Waves of Memory

     I grew up, bike riding distance, from the ocean and loved salt water fishing. I fished for blues, bass and fluke from jetties and boats. I never fresh water fished, never needed to.

      My fishing days stopped shortly after I got married. I convinced myself that I didn't have the time. A few months after my divorce I found my old tackle box and lures in my mother's basement and decided to go fishing. I went to the store and picked up reel, rod, a bunch of new tackle and a cool Leatherman fishing tool.

     Arriving at the once thriving fishing access, I discovered it was no longer open and the stairs to the jetty had long since crumbled. I climbed down broken up bricks to the beach and arriving at the jetty realized, it had been a victim of time. What was once a beautiful tight formation of rocks to fish from had become a scattered testament to the disastrous consequence of letting our Army Corp Of Engineers do, well, anything.

     I climbed the treacherous rocks and struggled out to where the water break was. I pulled out my trusty old tackle box, now filled with an insane amount of lures, bobbers, tackle and my shiny new leatherman tool. I rigged the new rod and reel and was ready to start.

     First cast, I knew I was in trouble. I spent 10 mins. fighting the, now hidden, portion of black rocks. After my third cast, a large wave came up the jetty and decided to envelop me in salt and sea. The chill of the air quickly grabbed the water from my skin leaving my clothes heavy and damp. I wasn't getting any action on my lure.  There could have been a thousand fish in front of me but the only thing biting was the cold and wet of my jacket. On my sixth cast, a large white wall of water materialized at the end of the jetty and the loose rocks surrendered completely to it's awesome power. As it came closer, I wedged my feet into the only holds the slippery rock allowed and braced for impact. As the remnants of the attack reached the shore, my proud drenched form stood up straight, mocking the waves. I am man. I had survived the momentous hit. I would continue fishing. I would... wait... where the hell was my tackle box?

     Looking off the side of the jetty, in the loose rocks, I saw the lid of the tackle box surface like the shell of a turtle. It was only about five feet from me but I could not reach it. My ape brain screamed dive in the water and grab it! How cold could the water be at the end of October? How hard could the sharp rocks be? What are the odds of another huge wave coming? Then the adrenaline subsided and my mathy brain jumped in (Reed – Tackle Box) + (Deadly Waves + Huge Sharp Rocks) = X. Unfortunately the value of X wasn't Reed getting his tackle box. As my mind began calculating the Certain Horrifying Death of Reed that X represented, the ocean decided it was time to F@#$ with me.

     No Tidal Wave was reported on the Jersey shore that day but I can assure you, the weight and power of the water that hit me was enough to rattle my ape and mathy brain in one loud sneak attack of a crash. My eyes hadn't left the tackle box until my slip proof soled sandals didn't live up to their name and I found myself confused, on my side, wedged between two large rocks. Visions of the newspaper reporting that a fisherman's body had washed up on the shore broken to pieces crossed my mind. Then I laughed... Pfft...me a fisherman? Stupid news reporters.

     No pride in surviving the last foamy blast, I struggled to my feet. The tackle box appeared to be slowly sinking. I looked surprised at my right hand, as if I willed it, my fishing pole was somehow still there. I positioned myself so that the waves could not surprise me again. I envisioned using the pole to get the tackle box out of the water. I was awesome. I got the pole to slide under the handle of the tackle box. It was in my grasp! The weight of the tackle box was too great for the pole and I cursed myself for the slow progress. Why had I collected and bought so much tackle? I started taking mental inventory of the packed box. Inventory canceled! 

     A white mist rose high in the air at the end of the jetty. In one of the most bizarre moments of my life, I awkwardly braced as the large wave arrived; towered over me; paused just long enough to see my expression; CRASHED!!! The box barely floating, I made one last ditch attempt to snag the handle with the pole. I was just about there when I saw the mist form and another wave pounded me. The tackle box kindly waited for me to watch, before it made it's final journey to the icy depths, in bubbles and swirls it disappeared.

     I slowly climbed off the rocks and made my way up the beach. My body was sore, I had lost my tackle box, my favorite lures from childhood and my new leatherman tool. I collapsed to the beach. I watched the waves that had seemed to shrink, now that I was off the jetty. Over the sounds of the ocean an echo of a memory screamed out of the back of my mind.

   

     A warm day, myself and two older friends walking down the cement steps of the fishing access. I was no more than ten and didn't even have a fishing pole. We stood on the well kept jetty enjoying the day. No fish were biting and one of my friends handed me his pole. I cast it to the 'unlucky' side of the jetty and then it happened. POW! I had a blue on the line and it didn't want to be there. I used all my strength to awkwardly reel it in. My friend pulled it out of the water.   

     Unbeknownst to me, I had hit a run. The blues had trapped the bait fish between two jetties. We moved to the beach and every cast produced a catch. We walked into the water and feeling the large fish bouncing off my legs imprinted a memory that could not be silenced thirty plus years later. After catching a couple more blues and dragging them onto the beach, I was exhausted and gave my friend his pole back. I watched as my friends proceeded to pull one large fish after another onto the shore. The 'unlucky' side of the jetty was no longer avoided and had lost it's stigma... until today.

   

     Even though the splash of the waves brought me back, I'd be lying if I said it was the mist from the ocean in the corner of my eye.  It was a smile; a memory; a youthful adventure; the first time a young boy caught a fish; it was magic.

     As the jetty aged before my eyes and the access steps disappeared I had a feeling creep in, that I didn't normally allow myself to have, it was regret.  Lizzy and Emily had not been fishing and they were older than I was that day. Luckily, sometimes it's not too late for regrets to be satisfied.

Sometimes A Card Is Not Enough.

     Emily moved away to college last week. I still haven't given her the card I bought her for her high school graduation. It's not like I haven't thought about what I was going to write in it, actually it's the opposite problem. What do you say to your child that is at the very point that you have been preparing them for their entire life. Anything that hasn't been said, is no longer between a parent and a child, but between two equal adults. It's not like I've changed that much since I was the one to welcome her into the world. She is no longer that helpless baby looking in awe at the world though; she is not that little girl that looked up to me for guidance; she isn't even the teen in angst who tested her boundaries. She is an amazing young woman that will continually make me proud as she moves forward through her life. A life that I will be a much smaller part of.

     When she gradated high school, I was going to write I was proud of her on the card. I really wasn't proud that she graduated high school, I wholly expected her to graduate high school. I'm proud of who she has become.

Now we txt back and forth, my wisdom already imparted, my fatherly advice no longer wanted, but still given. It's not like Emily will no longer be a part of my life, but now the admiration of a little girl that she once looked up to me with, I look at her with. I am content in knowing that things have changed, she is no longer a little girl in her father's world, I am now a father in his adult daughters world.