Creative Thursday - Writing Pad

Creative Thursday - Falling on the Path.

Tuesday Tips for Living Alone – 3.48lbs. of Pig Were Harmed in the Writing of This Blog!

It has come to my attention that manufacturers have completely missed the whole single serve concept. In fact the whole size thing has confused them. Whether it be the quantity or count, somehow there is either never enough or too much.

Let's start, simply, by going through the departments of a store.

Produce. There is a new trend at the supermarkets and farmers markets in which an employee stuffs cherries, grapes or the like into a specialized bag, seals it and leaves you to either brake the seal or buy 3 lbs. worth. Yeah, I can get bananas, and other fruits and vegetables based on how much I'm going to eat, that euphoria ends with carrots and celery. They are bagged on a plantation in Guacamola and can't be separated under penalty of, 'I don't know'. Amazingly they charge by the pound and have an exact pound weight on the bag, nifty trick. Want a salad with your dinner? Grab a head of lettuce, if you need ten. Oh wait, bagged salad. Wow, small bag feeds 2-3 and family size feeds 3-4 (best family size ratio in the store).

Meat. Try finding chicken, pork or beef in a single serving pack. It's the normal size or Family Pack. Family Pack? Really? What normal family eats 3 lbs. of chopped meat, 15 pork chops or 20+ chicken parts at a sitting? They should either call it the 'call your doctor first pack' or the 'If you bought a huge ass freezer pack'. Purdue thought they would cover all of their bases and call their version 'Perfect Portions' or 'Individually Wrapped'. Depending on whether you go to the typical store or the warehouse variety, this is the pack for families who have between 6 and 20 individuals and each wish to unwrap their own raw piece of chicken.

General food. Let's look at juice boxes. Ask yourself how many juice boxes does a typical kid drink when they are thirsty? How about an adult? The answer varies based on the juice box. They come in sizes from 3 to 8 ounces. 3 ounces is a dose, not a drink. To make up for this slight liquid inadequacy, at wholesale clubs, they package them neatly in case quantities of thirty six or forty eight. I'm thinking, this is a place for consolidation. In a wierd reversal, they do have single serve baked goods and cookies. Really? If we were honest with ourselves, the regular size would be called single serve, no matter what size. That's like saying I have single serve money. You don't want a lot, just take a few pennies and leave the bills.

The Deli. The single serve mecca of the supermarket. That is until the person behind the counter gets annoyed at you ordering a quarter or eighth pound of each item. At best they cut it thick, or press on it. At worst, don't ask.

Frozen foods. Except for the gallons of ice cream, no single serve here. Yeah, I'm psychic, I know you are all thinking, 'Reed, this aisle has loads of single serve meals with pictures of beautiful gourmet, looking, food on them.'. Well, technically the portion sizes are single serve. Health wise, these meals could give daily allowance of shit to an army. You might as well eat a tub of lard, pound of salt and a can of processed cheese 'food', the nutritional value(and probably ingredients) are close to the same. Oh, about the pictures. If you've ever had frozen food that looks like the picture, email me. I won't hold my breath.

The Dairy. The dairy is pretty serving size friendly. You can buy milk, eggs, cheese, sour cream, cottage cheese, etc. All in various accommodating sizes. Unfortunately, some more reverse single serve faux pas. The incredible shrinking yogurt containers. These are usually sold in four packs(one serving?). Pretty soon these flimsy plastic containers won't even be able to fit the word, 'Yogurt' on them and will just say, 'Yo' and a catchy name. Oh No, it's already happening. The second is the 6.0928973 ounce smoothie that after sticking to the sides of the container is actually 3.2 ounces. Aren't smoothies supposed to be healthy? Who can drink just one at that size? What they need is a liter teflon bottle.

There are two solutions to these problems.  The first, we all need to by huge ass freezers and miles of plastic wrap.

The second is a little more practical and more for the manufactures than the rest of us. Standardize the size of food packaging.

Make a single serving enough for one person, couple serving enough for two and family size enough for four.  Anything bigger could be called large family or lard ass size. It would make dinner parties easier to plan for and maybe even, gasp, make people eat healthier portions.

Learning to Walk.

My eldest daughter graduated from 8^th grade today. Just this morning, it seems, we were looking at each other for the first time, she helplessly up at me, grabbing my finger and reassuring me that we would get through the journey ahead. The calendar pages have browned and fallen; the path never seems to stop growing behind us. The baby in the pink blanket is now a young woman in a white robe and square cap.

My pride and amazement, of my children, never ceases. When Emily received The President's Award for Academic Excellence (not Achievement) this year, I was shocked and pleased.

Next year, Emily will be going to a parochial high school I'm not that fond of. A school I went to for a year and only learned, through observation, that smart and educated are not synonyms. Some years later, in college, I ended my educational career when I was asked to leave a class after a heated debate about The Civil War (I was in a Dallas College and for the record, Grant had every right to break Lee's sword. He was, after all, the victor.). I hope the school Emily is going to has gotten better. I'm sure she will succeed, because or in spite of the school. She has a thirst for knowledge that I did not develop until later in life.

As an Alumni of her grade school, I was asked if I would like to walk in the procession.  The last time I walked in a procession at the church, I was wearing a blue gown and square cap. It was 27 years ago.

As I sit in the church, I watch Emily walk down the aisle; I fight tears. Shortly our path together will end and a new path will emerge for her. I say a prayer to a god, I know she believes in. I think of how much I cherish the education that my mother struggled to give me. I think of the tools and gifts I received from this school. I am thankful that they have shaped me into who I am today. I look at Emily, not as my little girl, but as a young woman and with a sigh of relief realize, the school has given her the foundation that she needs. They taught her to take her first steps on the road of life.

Creative Thursday - Bubbles, Glass and Light.

Why do I like nature photos so much?  Minimal screwing with light.  The sun is either here or there.  I can usually change my position to accommodate or wait for the shot.  Inside, artificial light is a must.  I hate artificial light.  I know most of you are saying I could use the portable photo studio, but that does not capture the moment or 'real life' the way I like to.  If you come to the co-op, this is actually what you will see (Verdict is still out on whether the glasses stay underneath or not though), not a black background with led's to make glass 'look pretty'.
Enough ranting though, the pictures above are of Lizzy's(blue) and Emily's(pink) blown glass bubbles with my blown 'disciplinary' glass in the center.

Varsity Season and the Seasoned.

      So tonight was the parent daughter softball game. It was the school varsity team vs. the old people. Basically, it is a vehicle by which the kids can realize; if they want to play sports, they better do it when they are young, the window of opportunity slams shut pretty hard. The ex dropped Emily and Lizzy off and got out of dodge. Lizzy was a cheerleader, though she looked more like someone playing Angry Birds, while sitting on the bleachers the whole time.

      Parents were up first and of course, I was first at bat. I didn't embarrass myself at this point, got a hit and made it to first base. I decided, what the hell, I'll steal second. Remember the whole, 'I didn't embarrass myself at this point'?  Well, that point was about to come.  As the pitcher released the ball, I forgot the formula, 'mass * velocity + bad ankle = the play I was about to make'. I barreled towards second base and swore I saw an ant walking by me. I thought, body be damned and as I had to beat the ball, slid. In my monkey brain, it looked AWESOME. In reality I went from A. Rod to A Hole. I slid past the base and while grabbing at dirt, like a falling mountain climber grabbing at the surface, finally stopped as my ankle hit, what could have been a grain of sand or blade of grass but felt like a, Grand Canyon size, divot.  I clawed backwards towards the base and finally reached it, the umpire yelled, Safe!'. My newly twisted right ankle felt 'out' and I'm pretty sure it was a bad call, so I ignored it and limped back to the dugout.

      I did get a run(or in my case, I guess you would call it a hobble) and while fielding, I did run down the ball a couple of times(bad ankle and all) only to bobble it, while trying to toss it from my mitt to my throwing hand. The amazing part, to me, was how good some of these parents were. In the end, we softened up our play considerably and let the girls score enough to win.

Where is all this going?

      For starters, parents be involved! The parents that showed up for the game had a great time and their kids appreciated it. One of the parents had a bad knee and she was there playing to show her support for her daughters. I can understand that some parents couldn't make it at 5:30p.m., I used to commute, but ones that could have, should have. How is your child going to think anything they do is important, if you do not take the time to show them your support?

      Secondly, those who know me, know I do not believe in taking it easy in competition and do not feel people should be entitled to winning or just getting a trophy.  This was different though.  The uber-competitive parents out there on that field blatantly softened up at the end, to show the girls respect(not entitlement) for the amazing season they and their coach put together. They achieved the best Varsity Softball record the school ever had. They had the highest batting averages and some of the best stats in the league. They made it to the playoffs. They worked really hard and in the end, looked like a team.

      Lastly, appreciate your kids coaches. I actually went to grade school with Emily's coach; he was super competitive then and is super competitive now. I'm not saying his cap did not take more than a few tosses at the ground but he and the assistant coach were tough when the girls needed it without being abusive or condescending. Through great mentoring skill, they made a group of young girls into softball players and collectively a formidable team.

Emily is already interested in pursuing softball when she gets to high school next year. You know I'll be at every game cheering her team on, safely from the bleachers.

I Inhaled and Now I Have a Little Pane In My Stomach.

     I've become a total Groupon fanatic. I see something on Groupon, research it, buy the Groupon and do it. This post is not about Groupon though; it is about something I found there. I found a Groupon for Hot Sand, a glass studio in Asbury Park, NJ. I bought a blowing session for each of the girls and a sand cast session for myself. The weather being so hot this past weekend, we limited our outside time to the mornings and evenings. Sunday afternoon, we decided to go to the Hot Sands studio and use the Groupons. The kids each blew a glass bubble and I decided, Groupon be damned, on blowing a drinking glass.

     There was one young girl ahead of us; we and the rest of the crowd were amazed as she turned a piece of molten glass into a glowing bubble right before our eyes. Looking at all the amazing pieces they had for sale hanging from the ceiling, lining shelves and on the walls, we realized just how incredible the artistic nature of glass really was. There were spectacular examples of blown, cast, fused and slumped glass everywhere.

It was our turn and we elected Lizzy to go first. The artisan explained the entire process and answered some questions Lizzy had. To say Lizzy looked a little uncomfortable as the pipe with the molten glass on the end of it approached the work bench, would probably be an understatement. Working with 2100 degrees of amorphous silicon lava initially seemed a bit much for her. After she grabbed it, with what looked like oversize tweezers, and began twisting it, she became quite at ease with the glass. Several color adds, rolls, blows, cools and reheats later Lizzy's globe was complete. The master glassman then brought it to the cooling oven and we watched as he tapped the rod and the globe gently rolled off.

After watching Lizzy, Emily was ready to go. A crowd had gathered and was watching. Emily was a bit more confident and as I watched the process again, I truly began to appreciate the amount of work that goes into the art. Like so many other things I wondered how the first glass blowers figured out the techniques and best practices that were needed for the form. Emily looked a little bored at the work bench but a few minutes later, her globe was also in the cooling oven.

Next it was my turn. I love doing new things! Blowing glass is a much more gentle process then I imagined. More work and time is spent in the shaping, stretching, heating and cutting. I never knew that when heated, glass could be cut with metal shears, so it was amazing to watch a true artisan do so. Within a short while, my glass was in the cooling oven and the kids and I were on our way home.

 

After the relative silence, of the girls, during and after the process, I was shocked when they began telling everyone we talked to how cool the whole thing was. I'll be picking up our own little pieces of art this Friday. I can't wait to see how they came out.

     I have to give a major shout out to the staff at Hot Sand, they were friendly, knowledgeable and made the whole process spectacular. They do the lion's share of the work in helping you make amazing creations. Their approach in educating and promoting the art of glass through hands on work made this one of the best experiences the kids and I have had in a while and has set the bar pretty high for this summer. We will definitely be going back. If you are ever in NJ, go to the boardwalk in Asbury Park and stop by Hot Sand for a visual treat and a unique souvenir.  Oh, unlike me, remember to bring your good camera.  
Their website can be found here. http://www.hotsandap.com/

I Hate Facebook and Twitter

I don't think it is the actual services, so much as it is their impact on our dimwitted society. I was out the other night and a woman actually said, “Face Palm”. Really? I'm less than two feet from you. In fact, I'm looking right at you. Are you so lazy that you can't do the gesture or has your feeble mind lost the ability to express itself in person? At this rate, everyone will walk around expressionless and just talk. Next time someone verbalizes an expression, I think I'll have to blurt out, “Middle finger!”, and see if they get it.

Another thing that has to go is the idea that an acronym or abbreviation of something is an actual word, W.T.F.? I understand in this day and age there are some typing challenged people (maybe 5), but do you talk so slow that you need to say it out loud in that form? As if saying everything in short form isn't bad enough, pictures have become verbalized. Since when has heart become a synonym for love? People actually type out or say, 'I heart you' . Every time I hear this, I want to stab them in the love.

Text streams. I understand the need for people to communicate on a constant basis, when they have something to say, but must they discuss their every waking thought and action, no matter how inappropriate. For those of you who don't use these services, I'll give you a quick rundown of what your missing and some translations of the acronyms, in italics.

I just pooped and it was brown and green, IDIOT (I Did It In Our Toilet)

#toilet

You must be STUPID (Stunned That U Pooped In Der)

#casual user

Oops, I dropped my phone in while typing, I need to RITALIN (Reach In Toilet And Laugh Insanely Now)

#toilet

I can't believe you reached in there and are typing CRAP (Clever Rhyming Acronym Poetry)

#Lazy Bum

That's funny, 'in' rhymes with 'RITALIN'. I bet you FART (Fear Another Raging Turd)

# I'm confused

I have to BEAT (Be Entertaining And Teach) my child.

#toilet

OK, I'm BEATing my child now. He has a booger in his nose. :?)

#toilet

Last time my child had one, I scraped it out with a Hanger. 8@(

#clueless

I heart using hangers

#toilet

This dribble goes on non-stop minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day. When something finally does happen exciting in the persons life, nobody really gives a crap.

Where is all this leading to? My teenage daughter just opened a Facebook account. Now I'll have to open one, to keep an eye on her. How unkewl is that?