Blenders, Blenders, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Blenders.

Another item that I found in storage was my juicer. This isn't one of those Mam-be Pam-be auger jobs that cuts grass, this is the real deal. Nothing says Man-pliance like a ¼ HP, 4500 rpm. blade of spinning death and destruction surrounded by stainless steel and held together by a plastic nut. With my ape brain it's amazing I haven't lost a limb to this thing. It is 100% made in the United States of 'God Bless America'. Safety, there is no safety on this thing. You can turn it on, open the lid and watch the blade spin out of control.

I actually bought this thing at the beginning of my divorce. The math was simple, 3.am. + Deal site + depression + the decision to be healthier + free shipping = Acme Supreme Juicerator. I thought, I 'd be leaving the house soon and eating healthier and home cooked meals, might as well start early. I also enjoyed going to the orchards and farms in NJ and was always annoyed at the fact that a lot of fruits and veggies, I bought, would go to waste. The juicer would solve all that. Sounded like good justification to me too.

When this thing came in the mail, I was like wow, it's heavy. What do I have in the house to juice? Nothing. Off to Eastmont Orchards with the kids. 3 bushels of apples later, I was ready to try this thing out. I plugged it in and flipped the switch. With the sound of a jet engine, the juicer jumped to life, I think I actually grunted when I heard it. I fed the first apple slice into the chute and with a zzzziiiiing noise the apple disappeared and juice started to flow. It was magical. For the next several months, until I left the house, I was juicing one meal a day. I juiced every vegetable and fruit known to man and some that hadn't even been discovered yet. The only problems I ran into were:
     A. Humans were not meant to go from consuming less then normal quantities of fruits and vegetables to the amount that it requires for a single cup of juice without explosive consequences.
     B. Cleaning a juicer is one step below being beaten by a stick for 12 hours while listening to Barbara Streisand.
     C. Normal people don't care about other people making juice, they have more important things to worry about. There are however two warring factions that seem to think you give a crap about their opinions.
          1. Juicers: These are the people you could usually blow over with the air that escapes from your eye sockets. They think that juicing is the equivalent of milking god. They will be happy to tell you about a Tibetan monk who lived to 4 million years old on just juice and yogurt. Where the hell would a Tibetan monk get electricity for a juicer or a refrigerator?
          2.Anti-Juicers: These are the McDonald swigging, Walmart shopping, we need to adjust the clothing size scale creatures that feel it is their duty to snuff out anything that could be remotely considered healthy. They tell you that juice is empty calories. By the looks of most of these people, someone has been overfilling their calories for years.
     D. Your poop looks like Kermit The Frog's head popping out of the toilet.
     E. Some vegetables and fruits taste like crap when they are juiced.

When I left the house, the juicer was plunged into the darkness of storage. Yesterday, I unpacked the juicer, bleached it down and set it up on the kitchen counter top. I haven't been drinking too many bloody mary's lately, so I had a bag of limping celery. I also found some apples and carrots. I cut up the victims and flipped the switch. With the roar of the electric motor my testosterone level jumped and I quickly pushed down the celery, carrots and then apples into the chute. Each ziziing producing more and more juice. I shut off the machine and grabbed a gulp. It tasted great. I guzzled it down. I felt energized, alive, curious.

For those of you playing which one does not belong, curious was the bad one. I quickly scooped the fruit pulp out of the juicer and ran outside to the butterfly bush. I threw the pulp down and ran back inside. My ape brain had been given a natural sugar rush. I wondered, 'What else can I juice?'

Just so everyone knows, vegetable chips, do not produce juice in the juicer, however if you add a drop of water to dust of said chips they reconstitute. Twizzlers licorice sticks, don't juice and probably did some damage to the machine. Almonds are rather loud in the juicer but produce a remarkable amount of juice. No I'm just messing with you, but the almond dust may be good on some recipes. I knew this before, but had to try it again, onions produce a large amount of juice, but you would rather drink the Veggie chip and almond dust covered in camel piss then the onion juice.