Not so... ... ... Fast Food.

Yeah, I've been a little edgier lately, I blame it on my diet. I did something I hadn't done in years.  I actually ate fast food twice in under two weeks. My first experience was when I was coming home from the city. McDonald's was on the way and the Granola yogurt concoction I ate on the train, though tasty, just didn't cut it. Driving from the train station, an older woman (think Methuselah old with a Buick) was driving in front of me going 20, regardless of the various speed limits posted. I decided I'd lose her by going to the McDonald's drive-thru. I put my directional on, after seeing she had not, and as I pulled into the entrance was almost clobbered by her car cutting over the curb and into the parking lot in front of me. What are the odds of this woman going through the drive-thru. 100%! She pulls up to the menu and order box and as a disembodied voice screeches, "Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?", the lady grumbles back, "It's going to take a few minutes, I have to see what I want. In fact, I'll tell you when I'm ready.".

REALLY, You pull into a McDonald's drive-thru and have to scrutinize the menu? You're only options are crap, crap that looks like beef, crap that looks like pork, crap that looks like chicken or a Crappy Meal. So after four minutes, yes I was looking at the clock on my radio, my zen-like attitude disintegrated. I yell out my window, "If you don't know what you want, go into the restaurant, they have a menu board in there.". The lady looks back but realizing I'm about to go Chuck Norris on her mummified ass, quickly looks at the box and says, "I'm Ready Now!". She then asks, "Is it possible for me to get just a cheeseburger and a coke?". The voice at the other end of the box squawks, "Cheeseburger and coke, that will be $2.37. Please pull up.".

Really? You have to ask if they have a cheeseburger at McDonald's? Seniors, do the rest of society a favor. If you are having a "moment", please slow down and pull over to the side of the road. Make sure it is the side of the road and not the center and take a nap. So now I pull to the box with a line of 50 cars behind me and I ask for a McRib. I haven't had one of those things since I was a teenager. For those of you who haven't tried this messy, gooey, pressed mystery-meat on a roll treat, it looks and tastes like cardboard and artificial barbecue flavored gook. I wonder if McDonald's has actually gotten to the point of saying, "Ah screw it. Change it's shape, market the crap out of it and watch the money flow in. Make it taste good? Don't bother, these idiots will eat anything."

So now, last night, I had a function to go to and it ran late. On the way home, I was hungry and saw White Castle. I have to admit, I love White Castle. Something about steamed onions and a patty that look like it got in a gun fight with Al Capone makes their burgers irresistible. It also conjures up the memories of a group of teenagers in a van traveling forty-five minutes to buy a 100 sack(Yes, they used to sell 50 and 100 sacks) of their trademark sliders (a.k.a. belly busters, a.k.a. hamburgers). Even as a teenager though, the next day after White Castle the bathroom effect was quite pronounced and was the equivalent to the two peso Mexican buffet in Tijuana.

Back to the story though, I pull into White Castle and there is a line of about six cars. I think, six cars is worth the wait for those onion flavored delights. Five minutes later, there are still six cars in front of me. Wait a car moved. There are now five cars and I'm starved. Twenty minutes into drive-thru hell and they get to the car in front of me. The lady starts spouting out like a bad 70's Burger King commercial, hold the pickles, hold the onions, hold the ketchup. What else is there on a White Castle burger? There are only five basic ingredients, 1tsp meat, 1tsp ketchup, 1 paper thin pickle slice, a butt load of onion squares and a roll.

So Now it's my turn, I pull up to the order box and a pleasant voice comes out of it, "Would you like to try a sack meal?". Barring the humor of that statement, when taken out of context, I say, "Yes, I'd like a number 2 special with a coke.", no response. I wait a second and say, "Are you there?". Now I realize I was talking to some stupid sales recording that asked me if I wanted a sack meal and not the sub-human that I am about to engage in conversation with. In a voice that sounds like a woman who has 40 kids, insomnia and the weight of the world on her shoulders comes,"Can I help you?". I think about the question for a second and say, "Yes, as I was telling your electronic counterpart, I'd like a number 2 sack meal.". Silence... silence...,"Huh?". "I said, I'd like a number 2 sack meal with a coke.". The reply was unpredictable, "What would you like to drink with that?". Now it's my turn, "Uhhhh, the coke."

Oh, if that were the end of this story. I got my total and started the drive around. The line of cars that built up behind me was astronomical. In a few more minutes they would have to close the highway. So now I pull up and the lady that ordered in front of me is still there. Hands come out of the service window with a sack, hands pull the sack into the car. Thirty seconds later the bag pops back out of the car and a lady's voice starts complaining that it is not her order. I could have cooked a gourmet meal in this time but am hopeful that I will be getting my goodies shortly. The car behind me pulls out of line and darts down the highway. Good move a-hole, you couldn't have done that before you ordered? By the number of burger filled bags stacked up in the service window, I'm guessing a lot of people do that.

It's finally my turn. I can't wait. I had time to dig through all the compartments in my car, so I have exact change. I pay. The lady takes the money and says, "It'll be ready shortly.". Huh? What exactly was happening in the time between me ordering and waiting for the whole debacle in front of me? Another couple of minutes and I finally got my sliders.

"Would you like to try a sack meal?", "I'll take a number 2."