Double Speak

So, I went to my Co-op board meeting. What you notice when you go to these meetings is:

People love to whine.

People love to ask questions, no matter how stupid.

People use key words and phrases when they really mean something else.

People really like to whine

After interpreting some of the doublespeak there, I've decided to put together a list of everyday phrases and what their translations are...

Phrase: I'm not asking for myself, I want to make sure it is clarified for everyone else.

Translation: I'm an obnoxious asshole who has no clue, but I don't want to sound stupid, so I'll make it sound like I know something and need you to educate the masses.

Phrase: Just for the record

Translation: I want to cover my ass with Kevlar underwear.

Phrase: Have a Second

Translation: Can I bother you until your eyes begin to bleed.

Phrase: Got a minute

Translation: Can I bother you until your eyes begin to bleed and you stab your ears with a blunt stick

Phrase: To be honest with you.

Translation: I normally lie my ass off to you, but this time...

Phrase: To the best of my knowledge.

Translation: I'm an idiot and have no knowledge, I'm covered with Kevlar underwear.

Phrase: For as long as I can remember.

Translation: I have the attention span of a flea and don't remember much, so I can remember about 30 seconds, what was I saying?

Phrase: I'm nobody's fool

Translation: I'm so stupid, nobody would even claim me.

From time to time, I'm sure I will do more posts of the wonderful world of doublespeak. I often laugh to myself at the things people say intentionally or otherwise. You know what I mean?