Personal Flaws

This one is for all of you ladies out there, so you get a peak into the insecurities men have, but will never tell you about. This post in itself may get my guydom card revoked and I'll have to go in front of The Board, again, and fight someone in a death-match to get it back.

So, I'm at the local Dollar Tree today picking up mayonnaise when I realize, I need a birthday card for a party the girls and I are going to tomorrow. While searching through the card section, two women are walking down the front aisle. "I need to get a card.", the first one says. "I'll meet you down the next aisle.", says the second.

So here comes my neurosis. The woman, a mid-twenty something takes two steps down the card isle, looks at me and high tails it to the next aisle. Now I start thinking, what about me would have caused that reaction? Do I have toothpaste on my lip? Did I slice an artery shaving and am bleeding out this very moment? Do I smell?
I just took a shower before I came to the dollar store, so I ruled out smell. Now I think, toothpaste, so I go down every aisle looking for a mirror, throwing various items in my basket. I find a mirror, no toothpaste, no fatal artery wound.

Now I tell myself, Reed, it's only your imagination. No sooner do I finish the thought when the ladies come to the aisle I'm in, look down, see me and continue quickly to the next aisle. Now my mini OCD of having to go or at least look down every aisle of a store when I shop kicks in. After briefly looking down the next aisle, where they reside, I quickly move on. My attention to my surroundings is now zero. Is it my hair? Don't have that much. Is it the way I look? I'll admit, I'm no Brad Pitt, but am far from John Merrick. I zombie down the last few aisles going through my traits list. What could it be?

I go to the far checkout line and start having the mayonnaise + 36 other items rung up. I'm talking to the cashier when the two ladies come up behind me, to the register. While chatting with each other, they give me friendly smiles and start putting their loot on the belt.

Now I know what's wrong with me. I can even put it to a formula.

(Attractive Woman + Neurosis) + Coincidence = Insecurities * 10