Rules of Estrange-ment.

When I was in corporate America, I went to a lot of meetings. It got to the point that people would actually have meetings just to discuss other meetings. I was probably the most fun person to have at a corporate meeting, which is probably why I was invited to sooooooooooooo many.

I've read all of the dumb ass books about the psychology of corporate meetings. This has given me great insight to the stupidity of the corporate meeting structure. To help you along, I am going to share some of my rules with you.

1. Always bring coffee or water to a meeting. That way, if it's turning south or you are just plain bored, you can shake the cup and as you leave announce, "I'll be right back, I have to use the W.C., then turn to the most annoying person at the table and say, "That's the restroom, in case you didn't know" (this puts the thought that he/she is an idiot in the rest of the people's minds.).

2. The books will say the person closest to the door is most important. Most management types have read these books, to test if the person has read this trash stand in the doorway. If they ask you to come in and sit down, you've established that they can actually read. This is your queue to politely decline the seat and stay in the doorway. It's always fun watching a nervous management type staring at you while they try to run a meeting. If you do not like standing in the doorway pick the seat as far in as you can. It makes rule number one much more effective.

3. No meeting should last more than 59 minutes. If you are in a meeting and it is reaching the 59 minute mark, start packing up in as loud a manner as possible. If the meeting head does not take the hint, get up and begin to leave. If they get annoyed dazzle them with psychobabble and spout off something like, "Studies show the human mind loses interest in even an exciting topic after one hour.", say it walking.

4. Learn to draw. Draw the most distracting pictures you can, in a meeting, and make sure at least the people around you can see them. No matter how tempting or appropriate, do not draw bombs or pictures of you strangling your boss, but think of something witty that you could explain if called out. Something to do with a persons name is always fun unless the person's name is Dick, Weiner or Clitsman.

5. If someone asks a stupid, usually rhetorical question, give them the answer. For instance, if they ask, "Does anyone know how this happened?", proudly stand up and shout "No, it's a complete F&$@ing mystery.". When they say , "That was a rhetorical question.", state, "That was a rhetorical answer!"

6. If someone is repeating themselves, don't let them do it alone, help them out. As they get done making a statement for the umpteenth time. Make the same statement when they are done. If you think they are catching on, follow their statement with a low mumble and talk into your hands like a spelling bee champ.

7. Flip Flop, it's not just footwear anymore. By taking both sides of the coin, you can't lose. This works especially well in project meetings. By flip flopping, not only do you look like a skilled politician, you also can never be wrong. Exploit the fact you were right every chance you get. This is especially effective if there are two people arguing opposing viewpoints. Agree with both of them and don't let anyone trap you.

8. The last rule, for now, is to play the um-counter game. This was explained in my last post.

Be warned, if you follow the above rules, you may actually start having fun at the day to day corporate meetings. People will respect you more because of your devil may care attitude. You may even get invited to less meetings, but I doubt it, unless you get fired.

Um, any more questions?