Speed Dating...

So after my divorce, a friend took me to a speed dating thing. I don't know what else to call it. The formula is basically an even number of men and women meet in the back room of a restaurant, armed only with a small, provided notepad and a pen. Goal find out as much as possible about each other in 8 mins or less. It looks more like a party game of Clue than a serious way to meet people..

The night we went their were four women and four men. Looking around I figure, hey I'm not the worst looking guy here. I was in the top 25% (Only my buddy was a better looking guy, but more about that later.). That means, hey I pass the looks portion of the evening. The ladies at this event were all in their 30's the men in their upper 30's. I'm a little nervous, haven't dated since Devo. So now it's time for us to start, I get lucky number one and am paired off with a pretty young woman with a great accent. I quickly formulate my strategy, play the wounded pup. I'll explain this is my first time and I have no idea what to do(basically the truth.). Sounded like a good strategy until I realized everybody uses that strategy whether they've been there before or not. Now we sit at a table and the whole thing begins.

I'll pause here to say that I am pretty open and honest to people about my life. I found out early it is too difficult to keep lies straight, especially as they increase in number and complexity. After asking her how the whole thing works, she throws me a softball, “So, you dance?”, I know the answer to this one. “No, but I am not afraid to learn and am thinking of taking up martial arts.”, in the back of my head, I hear a game show host blurting, “Wrong answer, what Reed should have said was, “dances like the wind, Yep, correct answer was dances like the wind. No points awarded this round, Johnny.”

Her response is, “I am here to find a dance partner and someone I can hang out with.”, I realize now, this may not be as easy at it seems. The next question she fires at me is, “What do you do for a living?”, “My partners and I own a software company.”, I say, her eyes tell a new story now, a spark of interest, she turns back with, “I own my own business too, I'm a masseuse.”. O.K. Ladies, if you want to snag a guy, and completely Fuck up his concentration, that is probably one of the best things you can ever say to him. The interview went on for another 4 min., but I'll be damned as to what was said, I had visions of this beautiful young woman in her chosen profession(damn you ape brain.).

Bell rings, my mind comes back to attention and I realize I did not take any notes. I switch to the next woman, also younger than me. She seems really interesting and is telling me about her kids, her job, her life. I'm taking notes on her and the first woman simultaneously. We are just starting to warm up the conversation and ding, as if by Pavlovian response, the guys change seats.

The next woman is an accountant. I have nothing against accountants, but this lady had a gestapo like attitude with the questions, “How much do you make? How much are you worth? How big is your schlong? Should the man or woman “O” first?”, I felt like a boxer getting the piss beaten out of him and all I could think of is,WHERE IS THAT DAMN BELL?

I've made it to the last one, beaten up and a little bruised, I hope this goes well. This woman seems nice and friendly, YAY! She commutes on the train, I commuted on the train for 12 years. She grew up in Jersey, I grew up in Jersey. 4mins. To go and SILENCE. Everyone is talking around us, but the silence is killing me. I can talk to anyone for eight days straight, I can't talk to this woman for 8mins straight. Damn, I thought I found a match. 3mins 48secs to go. I hate the bell, I loathe the bell. 3mins 44secs to go. Now my mind wanders to the big picture of the situation and I do what I never should, but always do. I start deconstructing each of the women. I write things in the little notebook like:
Name 1 : Way hot, great accent, looking for dance partner, pretty eyes, masseuse.(Mind wanders for a second.)
Name 2 : Very nice, very confident, fun loving, looking for attention, her kids are her life.
Name 3: Calculating and precise, knows what she is looking for, more instinctual than emotional.
Name 4: Older, almost perfect match, can't talk to, commutes, doesn't have time to meet people traditionally.

I then calculate strategies to which I could exploit all the information I know to start a relationship and realize that would make me a dick.

The bell finally rings and my friend and I meet up. He asks "What did you think?", I tell him, "It kind of sucked." "Now", he says, "it's time to go online and pick the women you think are a match." Greeeeaaaat.